Persuaded

My friends made me do it.
And so now every time I think about it,
I shutter
in disbelief that I actually did it,
but now in disbelief that I allowed them to persuade me.
I trusted,
that their minds together were more sound than mine solo.
I suppose I was silly to think that.
Silly to believe that things,
stuff, junk, garbage would actually be a change
that I desperately needed.
They vicariously lived through me,
when I was simply excited for the simplicity of the situation.
And so I was persuaded,
either by good intentions,
or selfish desires.

My Mother

Every time I was sick, my mother would tell me, "Oh it is the weather," regardless of what it was. "Ma, I have a sore throat," I would whimper to her. "It's 'cause of your allergies, the clouds are comin' in thick this time o' year." For the longest time I thought that the clouds were these omniscient and omnipotent beings that controlled my fate. And every moment they got bored with how the world was going, they would change the weather to make people sick. It did not make much sense to me as to why they would do this, but at the same time, it did not make much sense why they would not abuse their powers. So I would take the same medicine every time, to clear up my sinuses, my sore throat, my rash, my headache, my stomach ache, my athlete's foot and my broken arm. "Allergies are bad this time o' year," she repeated in April, June, July, August, and November. I shrugged it off because sometimes the medicine worked... okay seldom the medicine worked. But it was this hope I had that the sickness was actually one that could be cured by allergy medicines that I held on to for my entire childhood. In reality there was no reason I kept taking the same thing, it did not taste good, people knew me as "Dyin' Bryan" because I was always sick, and most of all, it never helped me. I was constantly in the nurse's office. They would always suggest I take this pain reliever or headache curing mumbo jumbo, but I refused. My friend's parents would try the same thing, and try to give me some different medicine but I insisted, "My momma always tells me that all I need is love and allergy medicine." They always shook their head... I never really understood why.
And I suppose none of this really changed, because now as my wiser and older self, I see myself resorting to the same tactics that I used to. I still look at the skies praying to the clouds that they do not leave me and my battered down immune system to cry another night into my pillow. And whenever I try to help, my friends always shake their heads and walk away. Once my friend told me he had cancer, and I pulled out my allergy medicine and said, "take two." My coworker told me he was gay, so I pulled out the medicine and said, "take two." My girlfriend told me I do not make her happy anymore and that when she needs me the most, I am no where to be found... so I said, "take two of these." But I still take that same medicine every day, hoping that I have an illness that can be cured by it. I still tell my friends that I do not need their help, and I know how to take care of myself. And yet, I still am in the hospital every Thursday to Saturday, and occasionally Tuesday. I do not understand what is wrong with me.

This is not yours.

Welcome to the world of ranting. Let us commence...now

I am having a tiny bit of difficulty with understanding things nowadays. This whole "let us make decisions together" attitude that we continue to associate with every aspect of life is becoming overwhelming. Perhaps just once in our lives we can start worrying about ourselves.

Now don't get me wrong, decisions are a vital part of human existence and I am ALL for getting advice from others, however, there are various aspects where my best interest is more important than yours.

Por ejemplo... parties, break-ups, vacations, weddings and careers are just a few examples where your opinion basically means crap. There are many reasons for this.

Certain aspects of my life are either once in a lifetime or are things that seldom occur, thus, you had your one chance, now quit trying to take mine. People need to realize the boundaries of things. I do not care where you think I should go on vacation or what you think would make me money in the future as a career, do you not see that this affects me and solely me? Do you not realize that who I date or who I invite to my party has absolutely nothing to do with your desires!

Why do people insist on taking that one time I make a decision away from me?

"To thine ownself be whatever the fuck you want to be."

Unwanted Guest

I am done with worrying, I shant allow that pushy selfish emotion to get in the way with the life I am trying so hard to live. If you plan on bringing this unwelcomed guest to my dinner party, POR FAVOR reconsider. Anyone attached with him will be treated accordingly. It is not to say that I will not help you also rid him from your life as well, but if you are just going to link yourself to his arm and play red rover with me, I can assure you right now that I refuse to "come over."

Continue your tea party, I lost the invitation in the mail.

One of Those

I'm one of those non away message putting uppers ... that just abscond from the scene quicker than they came ... but you can never tell ... because I do not warn you of my departure ... no note card stating I am "eating lunch... be back later" to give you a hint or clue as to where I am ... so you message me and message me without my response ...

Perhaps we will both learn ...