Impression

I have realized I have put a lot of time and effort into trying to look good, like most people do, when going out and junk. Granted, yes, I want to look presentable in general, but it is like I take extra time to just make sure that everything is perfected, and for what? Inevitably someone has spent more time and effort into "dolling up" themselves, and even better, there will be people who without needing to glamorize will still look better than me naturally. I am okay with that though. I just want to know why I bother trying to make this great first impression which is also, completely the opposite of who I am to begin with. I am that person that when he gets home, I immediately take off my tie, shoes, whatever, and lounges in shorts or sweatpants (depending on the weather) and tee shirt for the rest of my day. If someone is looking to be even just my friend, they should probably get used to the fact that I give very little about style and look more for comfort anyway. And for the "one" who I will hopefully spend the rest of my life with, well, 95% of my life is going to be looking like a mess who just got out of bed. I am seriously just confused as to why I am (as I am sure others are) obsessed with trying to seem better than I already am (mainly because it is impossible to be more amazing than I already am [confidence, not arrogance]). I do not know why I try to seem cooler than I am and put like, "Oh I do A, B and C," just because I think that's what others want to hear. People have surprising interests and so do I, so the fact that I make up conlangs or play Pokemon is just something else about me beyond the fact that I can beat you in tennis and write a lot. I do not really understand why I always feel like I need to back down or dress up for people ... that is not who I am nor will I probably ever be. I am who I am and look like who I look like, and I much rather not try hard to conceal that anymore.

Did any of this make sense?! I refuse to reread what I just wrote so I am just going to post it instead.

Name Nemesis

You know that name that everyone you absolutely despise tends to have? You know, that name that you are like, "Ugh, he's such an asshole, his name must be _____" because everyone you have ever met with that name has been nothing but absolute dipshits. I have a "name nemesis" (noun: the common name or nickname between everyone who you tend to think or learn through constant experience is a douche), but I think I will withhold that information for now just to be safe as to what my name nemesis actually is, yet now every time I meet someone with that name, I immediately judge them as being a douche. I know this is unfair to them, but I kinda can't help it. I mean, a name nemesis does not just show up, it takes time. For example, let's say Jenny is a dick to you. Okay, we assume that it was just this particular Jenny that is a dick. But, continuing over the next few months, we meet three other Jennys (all different) who are just cunts to us as well. Then Jenny becomes your name nemesis. And it is unfortunate because the next Jenny you are going to meet without ever actually speaking to her, you are going to think, wow, she must be a fucking twatwaffle, simply because all other Jennys you have ever met were. Who knows, perhaps every name naturally has a name nemesis, and we are just instinctively adversed to those with that name. That makes me wonder as well that my name must be someone's name nemesis... do they automatically assume I am a dipshit too without saying one word to me?

Acceptance

Look at me go! Two days in a row! Okay, in reality I wrote this yesterday but then posted it today with the nifty (just realized what an awful word "nifty" is, and yet I still used it) future post option that exists. So what to ramble about today, you may ask, and my answer may be the Use and Effects of Realpolitik in United States History (complete lie, not even remotely touching that subject with a 50 foot pole... that is if a subject was a tangible item that could in theory be touched by poles ... and pole being an actual pole and not a slang pole...). In reality I am actually going to continue to ramble, since that is what I do best, and hope to come to an astonishing conclusion that will make everyone reading think I am a naturally gifted boy genius of sorts.... that is if that sentence did not already completely prove otherwise. I will actually go into an idea that was semi-touched (how do you semi-touch something?) upon in my last post about nothingness. That was the idea of acceptance in a society that is so incredibly diverse using subjective qualifiers to prove something to others (see that circle I just went in?). But it is a rather complex notion to attempt to describe with solely objective statements. Society is based on ties more than logical, but rather emotional. Thus, anything that is related to society, kind of needs to be taken with a grain of salt (what a weird expression). No one can please everyone, nor should they. People will have their differences and that should be celebrated (without parades). I have given up on impressing people, perhaps this is where my ideas are all stemming from (hatred, just kidding), but it seems like a battle that can never be won. The microcosm known as American high schools (I have never been elsewhere in a high school so I do not want to assume all high schools are like this although I heard some rumors through the grapevine) has taught me that regardless of everything, different people are going to ignore you, love you, hate you, talk shit about you, compliment you, include you, ostracize you, smile with you or laugh at you... and really it is all just inevitable (granted, if you are being a douche, it could be avoided if you just stop being a douche). Some people will judge you within the first 5 seconds of meeting you, others will do it superficially, and others will just want to know if you are as obsessed with football as you are. The criteria people choose to accept or deny someone is their own personal criteria, and whether you fit or not is just a hit or miss, it has nothing to do with you not being a good person, or you being a douche
(again though, sometimes it is about you being a douche). If you are being yourself, than it does not matter at all really. I know this sounds all teen-pop-baby-you're-a-firework kind of shit, but it is true. I have been discouraged plenty of times because you get those times of complete loneliness (well, at least I do, I guess not everyone technically has to have felt this before), but after it ends you have this sense of, why the eff was I upset to begin with? I'm rocking it my way, and some people are not going to like it, just like some people are just going to think this post is dumb, and to that I say, you may be right, but I still posted it.

Ramble Ramble

Perhaps I will eventually become a consistent blogger one of these days... for I always claim I will be and then reveal myself time after time as a fraud, but let us try once more shall we? Unfortunately, this is a blog just to blog since there is (well, in reality way too much on my mind but for conservation of time and virtual space I will claim...) nothing on my mind. I will just have to pull something out of no where now to at least make this post seem semi-worthy of being called anything other than shit. I have started writing again, which always ends up depressing me because, kind of like everything else, you know you are not terrible at it, but you know there are thousands... millions... out there that are better than you, and it kind of disappoints you. Now granted, if we just use people that you know, and for argument sakes let us use the amount of friends you have on Facebook, you can kind of appropriately gauge yourself with an accurate number... and furthermore it can actually give you a confidence boost if, let us say, you are actually the best out of the 300 (arbitrary number) friends you have on Facebook. So, yeah, sweet that makes you feel good. But then we have to consider that almost everything in life is subjective and that you are now just atop the list of 300 people in only your mind. However, someone else with the exact same friend's list as you (perhaps a you from another dimension), might have placed you at position number 4, 18, or 210. So then, pray tell, why am I even stressed out to begin with over the perfection of writing? The simple answer is to obviously appease myself, for I am not going to be happy if my own work is shit. However, as an author I am writing these things in the public eye and for more than just self-approval. Thus, my fears are more than just the fear that it is shit to me, but rather shit to others as well. So now I am worried once more that the reason I become disappointed in my writing is the fact that others will deem it nothing more than peasantry. Yet, I am constantly reminded that my opinion of myself is the most important. Yet, being "the toughest critic" of them all (so they say, I always thought I was easy on myself), I am still disappointed. I guess there does not need to be a definitive reason for anything anymore. Perhaps things are what they are because they are, and we do things because we do them. And that, fellow readers, is how you ramble enough to fill up space in a blog.