Realization

We Meet Again

Welcome to the late hours. It is unfortunate that realizations happen this late in the night, perhaps it is the red bull.

I don't consider myself a brave person, however, the fears I have are limited. Granted, balloons do caused anxiety within me, but I am not so scared of snakes, spiders or public speaking (anymore). However, there is one fear beyond fear itself, that creates the strangest emotions of nervousness and sadness mixed together as one. If you know me, you probably realize it is rejection.

Currently, I am trying to rise above the fear, however, I am being halted by unfortunately the fear itself. It is not so much that I am being rejected right now, but at the same time I feel like I am. It is a weird mixture of anticipation and current situation that makes me get the feeling of rejection lodged in my throat, and I am ready to throw it up. I realize that I have nothing to fear about it, what am I being rejected of? I realize that I the fear of rejection stems from the actual fear of not being able to show the potential I have. If I am rejected, I am being coerced to eliminate the qualities that make me who I am, and told to vacate the area. This area is not so much a physical area, although it can be, as it represents the person, place or stage where I attempted to present myself fully upon, and was told not to even bother.

It has become as bad that I do not even "audition" anymore. I will stop myself to truly express myself in order to appease the majesties of the population, which are only royal because I am trying to be their jester. I thrive off of the idea that people think I am a chill person that I do not accept myself. I reject my own ideas that I am a pretty awesome person in order to become a monkey banging cymbals with a fez. I reject myself, which enables me to fear rejection. I enable my fear to exist. More or less, I doubt myself and ask for your approval instead.

Interviews frighten me. This should not be the case, as I know what I can offer, and it is something completely unique. I am confident of that, yet my self-esteem prohibits me from expressing my confidence. But I am digressing.

What this is about is rejection, and my fear of it, and what is allowing it to exist. Ultimately, I need to stop rejecting myself. Some people will not like who I am, as not all personalities mesh as neatly as we would hope. This means nothing more than a difference in opinions and difference in tastes. But there are plenty of people who will love what I can offer, and I need to allow them to have the chance to see that.

I accept who I am and I love everything about me. If you want to see, I will gladly show.

I apologize if this post is disorganized and skips in places, it is too late for me to write.

"Rejection starts when you do not allow others to reject you."