Encrypted

Dear Blogosphere;

I am not really sure if that is what you go by... well, at least nowadays with the constantly altering technological terminology... but alas, that is not the point of this blog and I already digress. I figured for once I should be honest with you... and by you I suppose, in turn, I mean myself, as I really have zero idea who actually reads this... plus at the rate update this (which is abysmal) I doubt anyone would actually realize I even wrote something new. Regardless...

For once I wish to be stripped of this shield that I so readily created... so readily made for aesthetics... because it was simply thrown together with construction paper and glued on bedazzlement. In the face of the universe I hid myself, for reasons I cannot quite describe in words nor could I have enough time to ever explain it fully or correctly.

But I find it funny, that even in this incredibly vast universe, I hid myself; because I now realize that everything in this world is both universal and unique. It is this idea that I can listen to a song and you can listen to the same song and understand exactly how I feel, yet feel it differently... that this song affects you and I the same, but differently. It was this musical paradox of uniqueness and generality that has made me realize that I am not alone and should let go my cardboard protector, and express myself in my singularity. So I begin.

Basically what it comes down to, bare bones, is I miss you. Perhaps I miss the old you, the one that texted me every morning, noon and night saying "hey you," which made me feel like I was the only sweet toothed kid invited to Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory (yes, I was that happy). Perhaps I miss just any kind of you, even if it is the one that became too busy to even write "Hi" on my Facebook wall or make a phone call to me while I lie coughing on my bed with some sort of unknown illness but had time to visit friends or update your own status. Perhaps I miss your touch, your smile, your eyes and your voice. Perhaps I miss how you made me feel when you just wanted to hold me at night and wake up to my face in the morning. Perhaps I do miss waiting on your texts and constantly checking my phone to see if my service was good enough to receive one. I miss it all. And I will not lie, sometimes I would call your phone just to hear your voice, even if it was just your voicemail... simply because I miss it.

I have been struggling for a while now, although it is not really too hard to guess now, and I know by this time I should be getting better, but I am not. In fact I find myself falling further into what I am trying to climb out of. It is frustrating... to think you can make progress but only find out that the escape is further from where you just were. And what makes it worse is I have no idea what you are doing or where you are. Many times I just imagine you already are out of this hole, that you have escaped the tragedy of repetitious self-grieving. But alas, I cannot make it there myself.

I wonder if you think about me. I wonder if you defend me in front of your friends, or you just join in on their slander of my name. I guess I should expect it and probably deserve it. I wonder a lot of times if you wonder the same things about me. I wonder a lot.

I feel weak, and that writing this only confirms that I have lost everything that I built up... but I pour this out on here only to show the world, myself and you that I am real and I am struggling... I could fake being fine on the outside but I would still be beating myself on the inside. I much prefer being honest with it... and I will let the critics speak their words and opine of my weakness and pathetic nature... but for once I needed to verbalize everything I feel, or else I am certain I would have no chance at my heart matching my head and being content in unison once more.

Say what you will about me, but I miss it all and I have no shame in it.

Yours truly,
Dark White Shadow